Mindset

Work-life Balance is Not a Myth

October 5, 2018 by Rachel Bowman Leave a Comment

I’m excited to bring you a guest post today!

Suzanne Brown is a strategic marketing and business consultant and work-life balance speaker, strategist, and bestselling author on Amazon. She empowers working moms to create the balance they crave with small changes that make a big impact over time. Check out www.mompowerment.com to watch her TED talk, read more about her books, and read her weekly blog about topics related to work-life balance such as productivity, time management, and being intentional with your time. She lives in Austin, TX with her husband and two young boys. You can find her latest book on work-life balance for working moms on Amazon.

I have heard work-life balance is a myth, but I don’t agree.

What is a myth is trying to evenly divide your time on a daily basis.

You might have days when you get that 50/50 split, but they will be rare. And on the many days you don’t get it, you’ll likely feel disappointed and unnecessary pressure.

Who wants to feel like they fail on a daily basis?

So, what is a more realistic approach? What is doable when it comes to work-life balance?

Two mindset shifts can help make things easier (sorry, nothing makes things truly easy) when you’re trying to create more work-life balance as a working mom.

1. Think of work-life balance over the long-term.

Consider how you balance your time over a week, month, quarter, or even the year. This approach can take some of the pressure off and maybe even help with mommy guilt.

What does it look like?

Maybe you work like crazy during the week, so that your weekends are all about family. Perhaps one morning a week you head to work later than usual so that you can volunteer in the library for your child’s class. You could look into working from home one day a week so that you don’t have commute time and get started and end earlier.

There is no one way, so see what works over the long term for you and your needs.

2. Consider that each side of your life doesn’t have equal value.

An hour of time with your family and an hour of work time aren’t necessarily equal. Only you can decide how much of each kind of time balances out the other kinds of time (e.g., family, work, time with friends, passion project, etc.). And don’t let others’ assessment of value change your value formula.

You’ve probably noticed that I’m not offering up a formula or a specific approach that makes things easier.

It’s really based on your needs and your situation.

What works for your sister, best friend, or neighbor might not work for you and vice versa. That is not a bad thing. It’s actually a great thing.

You get to decide.

And it takes away the need to compare.

You’re talking to others to get ideas, but you can take what you want or adjust the ideas to fit your needs. Leave the rest of the advice and ideas behind. You get to make balance what you want and when you want it. It’s actually quite freeing when you think about it.

When it comes to being better about work-life balance, there are a few areas that can really make a difference in becoming more efficient with your time.

Consider how you work.

Many professional working moms I interviewed use batching or time blocking, where you work on like things together (e.g., email, writing blogs, doing research for projects, etc.). An alternative to this, especially if you have a choppier day, is the Pomodoro technique. You work for 25 minutes and then rest for 5. I highly suggest you maximize both kinds of time in this case. For example, if you work from home, use the 5-minute pockets to unload the dishwasher. Two sets of 5-minute windows and you’re done.

Create and maintain boundaries.

Let’s face it. Technology is a great enabler for making things happen at work, but it can also blur boundaries. You want to have time away from work each night so that you have time to recharge. One key element to this is to define emergencies and have everyone on your team, including your clients and suppliers, agree. You can also agree with your family about personal emergencies, so they know when it’s OK to interrupt work time.

Boundaries can also help you divide your time because they aren’t only between work and life. They can help you create buckets of time on your calendar to get things done. Essentially, these boundaries can help you divide up your day so that you’re efficient with your time.

Take time for self-care.

Who hasn’t heard the comment about putting on your own oxygen mask first. Let’s face it, though, most working moms ignore that advice regularly. Self-care really is important, though. It’s not selfish. And think about what a better mom, wife, employee, friend, etc. you’ll be if you take time to regularly fill your cup.

I’ll leave you with a final thought.

You have the power to create the work-life balance you want.

You might not have ideas, but that is where your tribe comes in. All those moms who love and support you, they have loads of ideas and things that work in their lives. They might work in your life or you might need to adjust them a bit so they work better with your needs. Start talking about solutions and things that work. Ask them about challenges you’re having, so that you can get an outside opinion. Support your fellow working moms and ask for support. We can do this individually, but we can definitely do it better (and maybe faster) when we are all supporting each other.

Big Life Changes

September 27, 2018 by Rachel Bowman Leave a Comment

I was listening to this podcast episode that my sister told me about in the car yesterday. It was about being a working mom. The woman being interviewed was talking about how other moms were asking her how she had time to do things like throw amazing birthday parties, do scrapbooking and other things on top of working full time, having a blog and being a speaker. She said, “What they were really asking was how I had time to do things I loved.”

I don’t want to do scrapbooking, but there was a little bit of jealousy there. Jealousy that she was so good at making time for things she loved to do that people were asking her about it. That she was doing all the things I thought I wanted to do, and doing them so well that other people wanted to learn from her.

She’s written two books! And she has three kids!

I’ve spent the last few years trying to figure out how to simplify things so that I could have the job and the blog and still make time for me, all while actually enjoying my children.

That was the whole point.

When I heard her talking though, I thought I wasn’t as good at it as she was. (That’s apparently always going to be my thing, “I’m not good enough.”)

But that’s not what it is.

I want something different.

It’s been really hard to realize it and admit it.

It’s really hard to picture it.

It’s hard to talk about it in the right way. For some reason I tell people ridiculous things like “I think my kids will be bored at home all the time because they’re used to daycare.”

Now I’m just saying things like, “I’m kind of scared to be home with them and my husband all day.”

It goes a little deeper than that. I mean, I am kind of scared. I’m scared I won’t be the mom I want to be. I’m scared that I’ll turn into someone that’s just yelling at my kids and always frustrated.

But that’s ridiculous because I’ve spent months working on tools to help me be the parent I want to be.

I guess what’s really scary is, what if I have the chance to be the person I want to be and I’m not good at it? Or I don’t like it?

I’m one of those people that likes to be challenged. I like to solve problems creatively. That’s my superpower, seeing things differently and seeing solutions other people don’t see.

But now I’m admitting and stepping up to my dream.

It’s exciting.

It will take a lot of work.

It will be a challenge. (Didn’t I just say I like challenges?)

It means going from being complacent to taking a leap.

It’s meant to be a little bit scary.

Growth can be a little bit scary. It can give you that feeling in the pit of your stomach. The first few times you feel it you think it means you’re supposed to back off. But if you practice, you’ll realize it means you’re about to do something amazing.

So, here’s to the next chapter.

I think it will be amazing!

Know Thyself – I Hate Planning, or Do I?

August 8, 2018 by Rachel Bowman Leave a Comment

Know thyself is one of Gretchen Rubin’s universal truths, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. It’s hard to know ourselves because there are a million different criteria we can use. Just look at how many different personality tests are out there.

I read Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and she talks about courage, compassion and connection. She talks about resilience, shame, joy, gratitude, etc., etc.

How are we supposed to know how we react to all of those emotions?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Do you avoid conflict? Are you highly sensitive?

We could take up all of our time just trying to know ourselves.

Instead of devoting all my time to this, you know, because I have a family and a job and stuff, I’m trying to just pay attention more. To be mindful.

Know Thyself - I Hate Planning, or Do I? - Just Getting Things Done

One of the things that makes this harder than it should be is we have these ideas of ourselves that may not be true. For example, I thought I liked planning and I probably would have even said I was good at it.

But I just realized –

I hate planning!

Any of my family members that read this are probably laughing out loud because of how obvious it was (is) to them.

Why was I so wrong about myself?

Well, when you’re on your own you have to plan at least some things. So you do it. In my marriage, I feel like I have to plan. This task falls to me because “I’m the planner.”

Which is ridiculous because it’s not true.

If I were good at planning or enjoyed it, we would have gone to Florida this year.

We didn’t.

I wanted to go see my aunt and grandparents, to spend time with them and so they could meet Clara. My husband also wanted to go because he wanted a vacation at the beach and to see my family.

We missed my opportunity to go because I couldn’t plan it. (And by missed our opportunity, it’s because my aunt isn’t there anymore and we would have stayed with her.)

There were too many decisions to make. Was it worth it to fly Frontier and take a red eye because it cost 1/3 of the price of any other airline? How many seats would we need? Who would sit with who? When should we go? How long should we stay?

It was just too much.

The same thing happened again recently. My husband started asking what we were going to do for Emma’s party. I knew I didn’t want a party with her whole entire class, but that was about all I knew. My husband kept trying to get me to make a decision and I wouldn’t do it.

So what did we do for her birthday? We picked her up from daycare (they did cupcakes without us) and went to Whole Foods and let her pick what she wanted for dinner. She also picked out a hydrangea plant.

I didn’t even get her a birthday present!

I had so many excuses for why I didn’t. She didn’t need anything. She would be getting lots of gifts anyway. We already have too much stuff.

Then why did I feel bad?

I wanted to have planned something for her and I didn’t.

I let myself get hung up on details and expectations and I don’t do it in a way that works for me.

When I dug deeper I realized that I do like planning, I was just going at it wrong.

I like planning things and looking forward to them, but I sometimes get hung up on details or other expectations.

I want to plan a trip but there are so many questions that I get overwhelmed. I lose sight of the big thing and get mired in the details.

When it comes to presents, I’m the same way. I want to do something really thoughtful and find something the other person really wants, but I’m not always great at that, so I just give up.

Now I’m looking at planning differently.

I planned a mom’s night out for a date, time and location that worked for me.

One other person showed up.

It was great! We had a good conversation. We’ve gotten together since.

I actually made a new friend.

I guess the lesson was that I need to stop telling myself I hate planning and plan things I enjoy.

Moms Getting Through the Day – Lazy Breakfast, Feeling Put-Together and a Bath

April 13, 2018 by Rachel Bowman Leave a Comment

This is the sixth post in this series, the first is here, second, third, fourth, fifth.

This didn’t actually happen today. When I was about to get in the shower I heard one of the girls and it reminded me of Tuesday morning. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten about something that happened that was so good.

Tuesday morning the girls and I enjoyed a relaxed breakfast together.

The big girls were eating bagel donuts (bagels with cream cheese with sprinkles on top). Emma was sitting by Clara helping her. It was so sweet. She was giving her puffs and drinks of water. Emma didn’t think she’d be able to give her a drink of water because Clara uses an open cup (it’s a Montessori thing), and even when the adults do it we spill. But she tried and was good at it. It was really cute.

Ivy was sitting on my lap giving me some snuggles. We were all talking and enjoying each other’s company. Everyone was in a good mood. It was nice. What a great way to start the day. And something I should remember!

As for Thursday, there were a couple things that helped me get through the day.

Feeling put-together!

Mom Getting Through the Day - Breakfast, Feeling Put-Together and a Bath; Just Getting Things Done

Once I decided to accept my body the way is it now, I had to start working on my wardrobe, which I am still doing. Because I spent time on my wardrobe, I was able to just grab an outfit that I knew would look good together.

I just got a great striped shirt that’s exactly what I wanted and comfortable. When I got it, I looked at it with my new gray ankle-length jeans and liked them together. I also got some other shirts. I tested how the jeans and shirts would look with my black and gray blazers. I tried on some of the outfits, some I just looked at.

Yesterday I wanted to look professional and I was already out of blouses, so I knew I wanted to wear the striped shirt. I also knew how I could use it in an outfit.

I could just throw on the whole outfit.

I wasn’t sure which shoes I wanted to wear, so I tried on two pairs of shoes, but either would have worked.

I even put a necklace on!

I know for some people that’s normal, but I rarely wear necklaces unless I’m in a phase where I wear a particular one every day.

The best part of the outfit though was that I felt good and I felt like I looked put-together. When I see other people that look put-together, it looks effortless. It’s not. It’s just not the kind of effort I thought. The effort is more in the shopping and making sure what you have works together.

I don’t know what it was, but I was just kind of frustrated last night and didn’t have as much patience as I sometimes do. I also got a headache. So, I decided I just needed some quiet and something that would actually relax me.

My new thing is to take a bath.

It’s actually surprisingly easy to get a bath in. Even though we have a jack-and-jill bath and the baby is on the other side of the bathroom door. Even though I put the girls to bed last night. Even though I had other stuff I felt like I should be doing (like writing this post), I decided I just needed some quiet time to relax. So I did.

I also started putting essential oils in my bath. I don’t know the benefits or uses of them, but I’m not letting that stop me any more. I just put in the scents I like.

I’m Ready to Believe I’m Good Enough

April 11, 2018 by Rachel Bowman Leave a Comment

Journey to Believe I'm Good Enough - Just Getting Things Done

I started reading The Gifts of Imperfection once before, but I didn’t get very far. It just wasn’t the right time I guess.

Normally when I read, I read for fun, for entertainment. That is not a book you can read lightly. But time and again, when questioned deeply about what’s going on, the thing that keeps coming out of my mouth is, “I’m not good enough.”

Not good enough for what?

Not good enough to have the life other people have. Not good enough to make money but have more free time. Not good enough to decorate my house. Not good enough to look put-together.

I don’t go through my days saying these things to myself, they’re just there in the background. They’re unconscious thoughts. But what I’m learning about unconscious thoughts is that they’re pervasive. You have to shine light on them, bring them up to the surface, to be able to change them.

I’m trying to notice when these thoughts come up. When jealousy comes up. When I look at someone else and wish I could be more like them.
I’m interested to see what Brene Brown has in store for me in her gifts of imperfections: compassion, courage and connection. The premise of her book is that she can show me how to incorporate those into my daily life. I need to practice them daily.

It’s like some “homework” I was recently given. I was told to let my husband do the laundry for a month, with the goal being that I realize and understand that whether or not I do the laundry doesn’t change whether or not I’m worthy. It doesn’t change my value as a person. I’m not less of a wife or mom if I don’t do the laundry.
I’d love to say this is something everyone should try, and maybe you should, but in my case it was because it was one of those tasks I didn’t want to give up because I felt like it was mine.

I wasn’t letting my husband help me because then I didn’t feel like I was doing my job.

It’s the middle of the month. My husband is fine doing the laundry though he told me he wished I would have asked him instead of telling him. He is of course right about that.

While it’s the middle of that journey, I was going to say it’s the beginning of the bigger journey, but that’s not true. This journey has been a long time in the making. There were a lot of events that led me here and I can see the influences of some of the other ones even in the way I write.

I just finished Dani Shapiro’s Hourglass: Time, Memory, Marriage and I can tell that the way she talked about time and the journey that is life is influencing me today.
I’m thinking of my mom and wondering what she will think when (if) she reads this. If it were one of my girls reading it, it would make me sad and proud. One of the things I wish for most is that they see themselves the way I see them: beautiful always because of who they are.

But I also know what a struggle that can be. And as Brene says, I have to love myself first.

As always, I have to lead by example.

I’m ready to see where this journey will take me.

Moms Getting Through the Day – Digging Deep

April 10, 2018 by Rachel Bowman Leave a Comment

This is the fifth post in this series, the first is here, second is here, third is here, fourth here .

OK, I have to admit that today I had to search to come up with something that helped me get through the day. It wasn’t a bad day, there just wasn’t anything that stuck out. I mean, the girls didn’t do great getting ready this morning. My husband had to carry Ivy out to the car and she was wearing only a leotard, which is not exactly appropriate clothing for school.

I had to put pants on her at school and she had to put her socks and shoes on. Emma changed her pants at school too because she didn’t like the ones she was wearing. But drop-off went good. Once we got the clothes situation worked out they kissed me goodbye and didn’t ask me to stick around.

Work went by fast because I had 3 interviews today, at 9, 11 and 1. I’m helping do first round interviews for another team. I thought it would be good to get some more interview experience. It’s been 5 years since I interviewed anyone, but I didn’t realize how much time it would take up when I offered to do it. It wasn’t bad. I mean, I like it when the day goes by fast, but there wasn’t much time for me to focus on any of my own work.

Tonight was bath night and my night to put the girls to bed. They played nicely after dinner. They “decorated” the living room with cupcake liners and then wanted me to find them all, which was kind of messy but it was fun.

We tried not using the monitor tonight but then of course the girls came upstairs. Emma needed saline because she was stuffy…That meant Ivy needed it too. Which of course was just an excuse for Ivy to come upstairs yet again. She actually came upstairs twice during bedtime. They called out later that Ivy had to go potty and she “couldn’t” do it herself (which we know not to be true), but my husband went down and dealt with it and they didn’t make much noise after that.

So, in the spirit of the exercise, I’ll pick a few things that helped me get through the day.

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