I’m on a journey to show other working moms that they can get it all done but there are still times when I doubt myself. What if I can’t do it all? I feel like I’m failing. I’m losing it. I just want to cry. I don’t know how to do anything.
I’m not going to lie. It can be a roller-coaster, just like everything in life I guess. There will be good days and there will be bad. You can have a streak where you’re doing good and feeling confident. Then something happens and you fall to pieces.
I fell apart because I got some criticism I wasn’t ready for. I had to leave work early today so I could have a few minutes to myself when I got home. I was a mess and I had started doubting everything.
- Do I have anything to teach?
- Does anyone want to hear what I have to say?
- Can I do this?
- Will I look stupid?
I had all these doubts floating around in my head. I did my best to confront them. I wrote them all out, let them flow. But I don’t really like to sit with these kinds of thoughts and be gentle with myself. Of course, I want to be kind to myself but when it comes to these feelings I’d rather just fight back. But I worked through them once yesterday and then again today.
You see, I’m doing a lot of work on myself and on confronting my fears right now. There are a lot more fears than I thought. And I don’t always realize them until I open my mouth, or start typing away on FB and then think “I can’t say that.” I don’t want to put it out there for other people to see. But the truth is I’m scared I’ll fail. I’m scared I’ll fail to help the people I want to help, that I have nothing to give. That I’m not good enough.
I’m not going to let that stop me though because I’m stubborn. I’ve got loads of drive and determination so giving up doesn’t even cross my mind.
There are times though when I cry at the drop of a hat. I’m learning to pay attention to that. I’m learning about myself and how I deal with things. It sometimes irks me that I’m the age I am (you didn’t think I’d tell you how old I am, did you?) and still don’t know these things about myself. But in some ways, I’m a very slow learner. Life lessons take me forever. With most things I catch on fast, but not the important things.
I’m writing this and putting it out there for you so you know where I’m coming from. I also want you to know, if you ever feel like this you aren’t alone. Not every day will be a good day. You might yell at your kids. You might lose your patience with them. The house might be a disaster-area. Something else might upset you. You might need a break. It’s ok.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. That’s just life. What matters is how you deal with it. Admit it when you’re not feeling great. Don’t keep it to yourself. Find the support you need to get through it. Trust that the people around you are there to support you and let them do it. They can’t support you if you don’t let them in.
How do you do that?
First, think about how you’re feeling. What’s the one emotion you need to get out? Next, figure out who you want to talk to. Call that person. Ask if they have time to talk. If they do, tell them “I had a rough day and I’d like to talk about it.” If not, call someone else and do the same thing. Or try someone else. That’s it.
That’s what I did today. I reached out for support and I got it. I kept talking about the issue until I felt better. And then I wrote this. I knew if I didn’t write it now I wouldn’t remember exactly what I was feeling. I had a dance party by myself in the kitchen while making dinner to a song that always makes me smile. I’m going to go to bed early, and tomorrow will be a new day. Right now I’m excited to face that new day. I hope you are too.
Sarah Butland says
You are doing it! You’re teaching the mother like me who knows exactly where you are because I’m in the same place. I say I don’t want to control everything and that’s sort of true but I do want to control a lot and know even more.
I want to know how I’m feeling first, with all the family dynamic aside. I want to know how my son and husband are feeling so I can adjust and help them feel satisfied. I want to control my own emotions enough to know their satisfaction is their responsibility, not mine, and know that they will tell me when I can help and be able to be prepared for when that day comes.
Your post is helping others who read, cry, believe you but don’t comment, too. And you’re teaching your kids to follow their hearts because you are following yours and are healthier for it!
Thanks for writing, expressing and reading,
author of Being Grateful, Being Thankful
Thank you so much Sarah! That means a lot to me!